Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”

“Eels?”

“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.

Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now

Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone? ⁣
⁣
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh⁣

ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.

DOC: Pull yourself together!

*both laughing*

DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.

Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.

I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente

I mean…but I did

I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank

I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”

*picking up coins off the dance floor*

I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.

I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.

If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.

Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?

Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.

Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?

Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.

*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*

Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.

“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”

“So you don’t end up like me”

“What, awesome?”

“Alright fine, no school today”

financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?

me:

Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.

Husband: How short?

Me:

Husband: HOW SHORT?!

i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video

My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.

“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.

Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.

When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”

Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.

(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)

ants: seize him

I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy

Man reading a book: hot

Man with a baby: hot

Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.

a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet

Spices were first brought to Western Europe in the Middle Ages. Some of them are still at the back of my cupboard