Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.

Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.

dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests

date 5: i don’t think the moon is real

My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.

Our youngest son graduated with a bachelor’s degree in English. We bought him a car because we’re proud of him. And because he’ll probably have to live in it.

If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.

I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.

3yo: I hate vegetables!

Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?

3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!

Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’

Allegiant airlines charges for a glass of water but you know what’s free? Ice. Now we wait.

Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games

just witnessed a drug deal

Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.

2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive

pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle

architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife

pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes

Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body

Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*

Jesus: what?

Judas: what?

Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.

*in hell*

satan: dude you gotta stop following me around

me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward

*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME

Using gorilla glue on my next relationship

idea for a movie:

a bear who is a parent

captures a psychotherapist

to cook as dinner for the cubs

and the movie is called

(and i’m very very sorry)

“kids, i honeyed the shrink”

ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey

“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”

-Game of Thrones

My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.

Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.

Smooooooth

When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?

Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.

Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.

The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:

“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.

If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.