Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up

– squirrels

“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off

Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.

I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.

Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.

I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.

ME: where’s your brother?

OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?

ME: *sprints to the basement*

I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.

Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying

Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.

Windchimes

“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.

Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well

I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity

My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken

The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.

Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.

“Can you get my water, Mom?”

— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.

I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.

Grew big

I no longer need Google.

I have a 22 year old in college.

8yo: What does Dad do for work?

Me: Why don’t you ask him?

8yo: He told me to ask you.

Me: Well played. Well. Played.

When Corner House says something righteous and you just think

What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?

what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose

[texting]

So what’s your name?

“ily”

omg this is moving too fast.

ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?

I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″

Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad

Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-

group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne

Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman

Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?

It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…