Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife left me for a fisherman.

Poor guy’s still reeling.

Her: did you give the dog alcohol?

Me: no, why? Is he acting weird

Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/

Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.

Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.

Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-

Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?

At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.

Me, at the ER: I’ve been shot, it hurts please help

Doctor: you’d probably be in less pain if you lost 20lbs

Schools be like ok it’s the last week and a world fair so bring a dish from a country you’ve never heard of to feed 75 people at 745 am.

KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u

[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]

ME: holy shit u saved me

OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die

My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.

We’re all still reeling from the events yesterday. Here’s what we know:

-I got an everything bagel w/ chive cream cheese at 10:30am
-I went to the park at 10:39
-I put my bagel down to take a pic of a squirrel I think I’ve met before
-Bagel went missing at 10:40

More info soon.

Drove past Sheffield a few times over the years & always wondered what they were building with all the cranes. Every year the cranes were there & I said to my husband how long have they been building there? The look on his face when he told me it was a crane yard.

me in a relationship:

Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.

Me: let’s take those jeans!

Her: idk, that’s stealing

Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice

Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed

I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car

At least my masseuse has my back.

I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.

My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.

sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad

Best part about marriage?

NO MORE CONDOMS!!!

Worst part about marriage?

No more sex.

Do u think the white fluid in the robots on Alien is battery fluid or milk. I’ve been calling it robot milk but no one likes when I say that

The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.

Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%

Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%

THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.

Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )

Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).

there are people who know when to reply all and when not to reply all and none of them work at your company

Finally my winter fat has gone!

I now have spring rolls.

OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?

(knock, knock)

He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!

*My pizza delivery guy.