Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God: you’re a decapod.

Crab: what does that mean?

God: it means you have 10 legs.

Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.

God: at least you don’t have a hundred.

Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?

Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?

no one:

not a soul:

my daughter: if I ever get rich I’m going to buy a family crypt for all of us because we don’t want random dead people buried around us

I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car

Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?

Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.

My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.

I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.

I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.

I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair

On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”

Robot bartender rips me in half after listening to my problems for over an hour.

If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends

I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.

I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.

“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.

Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads

~ dishwashers, perves

I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.

it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”

“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design

Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”

I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.

guy: you wanna take this outside?

me: yeah, let’s do this

[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]

we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi

Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…

Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?

Me: Never ask about my art

‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”

You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.

[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]

me: [reaching under couch] shit

murderer: let me try i have longer arms

me: you do not

murderer: do too. stand up

[we measure arm length]

me: wow

murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan

The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.

whoever named the grapefruit when there was already a fruit named grape…….incompetent legend. i wish we could hang out

Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?