Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
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[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
A brick crashed through my bedroom window with a note that read:
“Oops, I threw a brick at the wrong window. So sorry!”
Well, at least they’ve got decent manners.
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job