Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*does Basic Instinct leg cross*

*remembers I’m wearing jeans*

Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!

Very funny Mom!

When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.

Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn

Boss: How were your weekends?

Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team

Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter

Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly

Me: do you like piña coladas?

Date: yes

Me: *marking chart*

Human Robot
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Me: and getting caught in the rain?

Date: not really

Me: *eyes narrow*

Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?

Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?

Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.

The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.

INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”

ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel

*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU

Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this

This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total

If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.

Friend: can I borrow £20?

Me: No.

*slides me £20

Friend: How about now?

If you need a laugh.. 😅

ZOOKEEPER: So this female python is our oldest snake here at the zoo

ME: *way too loud* A granaconda

ZOOKEEPER: *pulling out his tazer* look away kids

Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.

When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.

When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.

Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.

You need to let shit go.

~ Buddha

Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!

Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.

Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.

My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.

WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD

In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me