Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.

Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.

me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy

How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?

Nice romantic weekend with the husband.

Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.

Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.

Me: Ok goodnight

#TopTip

My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.

When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised

WFH: Work From Home

my brain: WaFfle House

Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.

Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.

Three thousand years have passed. Mia’s son has merged with a sandworm and rules the wastes of Genovia as a god

before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life

My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed

Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!

Me: Nothing in the second?

Her: No, I skipped a period.

Me:

Her:

(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat

Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”

My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”

I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.

The pharmacist smiles kindly.

My daughter is so critical…

“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”

SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on

Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber

I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”

…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.

[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?

[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?

So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?

Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her

Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?

Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really

Me: why are you on her laptop?

Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now

If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.

Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.

78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…

I’m no longer his favourite kid.

Pretty sure we domesticated dogs first and were like yes this is amazing let’s do another one, then we domesticated cats and were like yes that’s quite enough I think

I just checked Web MD and I have everything