Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
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Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
imagine jeffrey dahmer walking into a 5 guys and reading the menu like well that’s def not what i was expecting.
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
can someone please help me, i’m still at the fyre festival
Bear knowledge
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
I need better friends
Work is just a series of conversations reminding people of when you tried to talk to them about what they’re now surprised about
My kids are smart but sometimes they say dumb stuff like, “Mom why do you always buy the candy pack with Snickers when you’re the only one who likes them?”
*jingles half the way*
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.