Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?

“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”

*Snatches glass and hands to my wife

Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.

HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.

[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?

Refusing to attend my brother’s gambling intervention until they agree to call it a slot shaming

I’m far enough into my kids’ summer camp that my clothes dryer is now just a sandbox

7: Mommy look!

Me: Ok

7: Look at me!

Me: I’m looking

7: Look!

Me: I AM!

7: Why aren’t you looking?!

Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!

7: Wow. You’ve got a temper

Me:

7: And staring is rude

“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”

*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*

“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”

I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.

Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.

Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.

We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.

[first date]

Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?

We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners

Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?

Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.

The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.

Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?

At Dunkin Donuts-

8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!

Is Mercury still in the microwave?

My Niece was just born in japan and got the Japanese Citizenship!

She’s now Japaniece!

My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ

I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.

Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!

Girl: Cute dog

Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog

Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent

👮‍♂️New comic: Good Cop, Bad Cop👮‍♂️

NEIGHBOR: What’s up?

ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month

NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?

ME: The what now?

Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.

Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>