Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?

Did you also know that I can run 83 mph?

Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.

Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.

doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible

me: what’s the good news

doc: you won’t need it for long

The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.

Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.

*answers phone call from boss*

I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!

Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit

If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down

Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.

I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad

Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them

If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.

At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.

america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon

teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun

We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas

If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.

I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking

the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about

batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes

robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what

Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.

discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.

I only sleep with people who make me laugh.

Luckily, I find myself hilarious.

Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”

I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.

KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.

[staff meeting]

“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”

M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?

Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.

M: Well, I’m Ursula.

Me: Can I take a peak?

Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?

Me: *steals the top of a mountain*

[Me at job interview]

And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?

I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?

I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”

Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.

Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.

Now, I don’t even walk into the right room