Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
You Might Also Like
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
May have had one breakfast too many
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
Hamburger Hinderer.