ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
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Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
3% human
97% stress
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.