ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
You Might Also Like
My sex drive has a dui
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop