Me: So which one do you like? I like this one with the ocean in the background
DMV: For the last time sir, you can’t submit your own photo
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
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“DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” he screamed at his phone. Everyone else on the train hugged their phones a bit closer.
I “pet zone” girls. It’s like the friend zone, but, I only hang out if your dog will be there.
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
Relationship status: can’t go to the same bar as last night, because I’m wearing the same shirt as last night.
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
Libra: You wake up fastened to a wooden stake. People in goat masks are dancing around a bonfire. We’ll be honest. Things don’t look good.