ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking

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I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never


If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.


Fired from my court room sketch artist job, for putting thought bubbles on people’s heads saying “The court room sketch artist is so hunky.”


So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.


“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”

“Relax, grandma.”

*furiously knits a condom*

“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”


I wish I had as much confidence as the dude that’s getting ready to eat that gas station sushi has.


Gary born

Gary child

Gary teenager

Gary middle-aged

Gary Oldman


I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.


My 4 year told me my tummy looks soft and squishy today, so I put her barbies on the highest shelf on the house.