@chuuew

ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking

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@clichedout

I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never

@badbanana

If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.

@markleggett

Fired from my court room sketch artist job, for putting thought bubbles on people’s heads saying “The court room sketch artist is so hunky.”

@HonestToddler

So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.

@Laser_Cat

“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”

“Relax, grandma.”

*furiously knits a condom*

“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”

@SugarMagicSpice

I wish I had as much confidence as the dude that’s getting ready to eat that gas station sushi has.

@EffdotEss

Gary born

Gary child

Gary teenager

Gary middle-aged

Gary Oldman

@nPhelendriqal

I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.

@SuperShourds

My 4 year told me my tummy looks soft and squishy today, so I put her barbies on the highest shelf on the house.