ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
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Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
What’s a more polite term to call a druggie?
His Highness
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
Babe, what’s wrong? You’ve hardly touched your Wallace and Gromelette.
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
I have an actual woodpecker in my backyard and now I can see why these guys had so many problems with Woody. I wouldn’t throw a grenade at him or anything but I might if I had one
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close