Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.

The pharmacist smiles kindly.

Me: *nods in agreement

Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about

Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.

STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!

Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?

Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?

The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.

The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore

Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.

I don’t carry my wallet to work because I’m afraid someone will steal it while I’m sleeping.

The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.

Went fishing and actually caught a fish. So now I gotta deal with this shit

“You have such a great personality”

Me: Thanks, I collect them

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.

imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains

How did the first person to read learn how to read?

What fresh Hell is this?!?

Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.

Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight

I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].

Did you know?

A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.

And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.

*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*

“Shit.”

Good morning, Twitter 😊

My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh

her: do carrots help your eyesight

me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen

Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.

This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?

why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening

On the list of things I’ve learned today:

1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes

[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho

I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??