Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
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The most precious boy
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
me: more teeth
dentist: what
me: *recording video* no skimping now
if I was minding my own business and someone told me I stink stank stunk I’d try to steal their christmas too. my mans did nothing wrong
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*