Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?

Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”

Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”

Me: “A divorce lawyer.”

If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.

I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street

If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.

I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone

I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.

Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?

Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.

A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?

I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in

-My dog, all day long.

“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”

-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine

CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.

Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.

hello darkness my old friend
why are you here it’s 6:00 pm

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Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.

shakira sharkira

An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.

All parents have a favourite child

Good parents pretend they don’t

Great parents at least make it one of their own

I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.

Don’t work for at least an hour after lunch or you’ll get cramps.

I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?

Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.

Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.

If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.

[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”

Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love

Girl: ew I don’t want this

Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it

Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross

Van Gogh: I love you too

Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.

Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!

Wife:

Me:

Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.

Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?