Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
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Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates