Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code

I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds

[first day as a pharmacist]

CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.

ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..

9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.

Me: Same.

13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.

Me: What were you doing earlier?

13: Resting so I could stay up late.

If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.

I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.

I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”

Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.

Don’t tell me what to do

I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!

Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.

The worst part of getting new shoes is the breaking in phase. Once you’ve broken into the shoe shop, the rest is easy.

[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*

Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?

Me: *never blinks again*

[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy

CONCERT

AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!

I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.

Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.

Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife

Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds

My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce

Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church

Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer

And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.

I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.

Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.

they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way

I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard

BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive

People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.

Dogs: WTF is “colors”?

Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”