Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
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Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
Every BBC series about the universe.
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
“i’m a top” “i’m a bottom” okay well I’M gonna pop some tags, only got $20 in my pocket
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”