Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
You Might Also Like
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
ME: He had poise, grace and confidence, but without arrogance.
WIFE: Did you really think the zoo wouldn’t notice a missing peacock?
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.