Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
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Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
when she block me on everything
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
can anyone recommend some good behaviours for someone who just started behaving
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
Got kicked out of a performance of Cats because I kept saying “ooh biiiiig stretch”
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]