Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.

Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.

I’m that bored in the house 🥺

#lockdownextension

One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.

Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink

Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.

I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.

My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.

If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story

[on a first date]

Her: Have you ate here before?

Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time

I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!

Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.

HER: What kind of music do you like?

ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.

HER: Okay.

ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.

sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone

There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.

when I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume.

If Mr Krabs owned a bar

My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.

You really can’t make this stuff up.

whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong

You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.

What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?

I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.

-Me, working from home. Alone.

A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??

Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.

The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.

I had to cancel my summer concert tour due to lack of ticket sales too so I know how Jennifer Lopez is feeling right now

A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine

Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.

Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO

6 year old: if you were an adult just like now, so you were you, but you were a little kid in my kindergarten class would you know all of the stuff you know now or would you just be learning everything like we are?

me: did you eat any of the gummies in my toolbench?