Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.

If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.

I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today

“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”

-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu

If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately

Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.

Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.

Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?

broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting

“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”

*inventor of the RV

Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.

Let me know when they read a book.

[end of interview]

Any questions for me?

Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?

YOU ARE SO HIRED.

If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?

Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior

man: want a carrot?

horse: ok.

man: we’re friends now right.

horse: i guess.

man: great hey can you help me move.

If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.

Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.

How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?

Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.

When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting

Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.

I found £20 laying on the ground and I asked myself, what would Jesus do? 🤔

So, I turned it into wine.

Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?

Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.

Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues

If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.

If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.

she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”

A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.

Little known fact:

Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.