@praisecheese

Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.

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@matt_simpson84

Relationship status: went to buy condoms and the cashier just said “yeah right” and put em back on the shelf

@RandiLawson

Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones

@QwertyJones3

Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.

@abbycohenwl

“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”

@AnkCoupleTO

[breakfast table]

Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either

@lillydancyger

Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”

But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”

And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”

@GeorgeResch

White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it

@WilliamRodgers

If Reincarnation ends up being real…

Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly

@captainkalvis

me: i’d like to make a reservation for 2 at 6:00 pm

employee: sir, this is a McDonald’s

me: oh my bad. i’d like a McReservation for 2 at 6:00 pm

employee: perfect, see you then

@ShootyDoody

Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.