Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.

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Relationship status: went to buy condoms and the cashier just said “yeah right” and put em back on the shelf


Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones


Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.


“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”


[breakfast table]

Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either


Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”

But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”

And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”


White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it


If Reincarnation ends up being real…

Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly


me: i’d like to make a reservation for 2 at 6:00 pm

employee: sir, this is a McDonald’s

me: oh my bad. i’d like a McReservation for 2 at 6:00 pm

employee: perfect, see you then


Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.