Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.

Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?

feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?

I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm

So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.

Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:

7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That

The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.

I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.

The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.

You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day

UPS GUY: Just sign for the package

If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe

If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.

Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.

Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?

sneaking out of costco with extra samples like

On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.

I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.

Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food

I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.

[Family of lizards]

Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings

Little lizard: ahem

Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance

Do they award purple hearts for injuries playing* laser tag?

Asking for a friend.

* Dropping the gun on your foot while putting on your vest.

my roommate had a party last night and i asked one of the guys here what his job was and he said skateboarder

Baking is just science you can eat.

if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver

*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3

Horrifying if literal: shit storm

STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?

TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.

STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.

me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?

Twitter: absolu-

Twitter algorithm: no.

I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.

Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“