Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids

me: they have sex 3 times

Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.

*strips naked*

“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”

Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?

At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.

“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it

Someone should probably go check on Steve.

I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!

Me: You come highly recommended, LOL

Drug dealer: *stabs me*

My yoga instructor was drunk today.

Put me in a very awkward position.

Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?

“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened

Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche

JESUS: [walks on water]

JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle

JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas

JUDAS: Actually..

Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.

When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.

Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars

The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!

I’d date me.

But mainly because I put out.

How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow

Brb my Sims are getting married

Being brave is overrated.

Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.

*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.

[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you

True story 🤣

The first five days after the weekend are the hardest.

me as a teen: chapstick is stupid

me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!

Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…

Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now

Fun Fact:

If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.

I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.

What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?

A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.

#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes