Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE

*Googles Yahoo*

Google: Wow. I’m right here

Reoccurring dreams be like
‘I dunno, here’s a rerun’

I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.

Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.

nobody:

stick in the park:

6 y/o me: I will take it home

I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.

If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.

Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.

Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?

If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.

Wife: any ideas for dinner this week and don’t you dare say hot dogs

Me:
Wife:
Me: frankfurters

You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.

“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”

—Lies Amazon tells me.

Me every time my old dentists office calls me to schedule an appointment not knowing I changed to a new dentist

The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.

[Bethsaida 28 AD]

BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves

“Five loaves please”

BAKER: Huh?

“Jesus is here”

BAKER: Sonuva

being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg

Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*

Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*

Monday

I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.

My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.

Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.

The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.

I treat the Steam store like the fridge.

I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.

Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years

Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years

Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol

Me: come on what if we say it at the same time

Interviewer: ok deal

Me: ok, 3..2..1

In sync: making furniture for hamsters

Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.

Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.

Worm: What is it?

Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”

Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent

Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS

Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach