Me: I’ve learned so much from my mistakes.
Also me: Let’s make a few more
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What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
Man: “Excuse me. Can you tell me the quickest way to the next town?”
Me: “Are you driving or walking?”
Man: “Driving.”
Me: “That would be the quickest way.”
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
WWE is French for “yes”