Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper

Anyone else having a near life experience today?

7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!

Me: Well I’m convinced.

CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner

ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–

*goose with a badge waddles in*

ME: okay but i’m driving this time

YOU: Your guess is as good as mine

ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?

YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine

coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes

Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.

[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos

I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.

Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*

Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”

*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”

*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*

Succession: powerful people are just as dumb and shitty as you. they just have power

Game of Thrones: powerful people are just as dumb and shitty as you. they just have power

Reality: powerful people are just as d- they know everything, EVERYTHING, and they control it all i swe

Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?

Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.

*closes door*

“Did you take out the trash?”

“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”

Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!

I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.

Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁

Losing 😲

*first date*

Her: I’m a criminologist.

Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.

[reading Harry Potter]

Me: Do you know what’s going on?

3-year-old: He went to lizard school.

I’d correct her, but her version is better.

I just need to go ahead and admit it.

I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho

When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.

And by “younger” I mean yesterday.

An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.

“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing

[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”

Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.

Just bought a universal remote control.

…I really wish, this changes everything..

According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.

NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits