Me: I’ve learned so much from my mistakes.
Also me: Let’s make a few more
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I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
Me: 1yo’s little baby legs are so chonky and sweet. I want to eat them.
3yo: Mommy, NO. We do NOT EAT PEOPLE.
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
Guys when life is tough and you feel nothing is going your way, remember, things could always be worse. You could have to take a shit at a music festival.
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.