Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.

t-shirt is short for “television shirt”

911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?

Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.

The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.

[montage of me giving-up]

The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.

My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.

I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.

(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,

I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!

Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground

Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency

Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.

Gf: Let’s role-play

Me: Ok you be a writer

Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write

Me: ooh that’s good

if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat

Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.

You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.

Me: *pulls a glass push door*

Wife:

Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*

Wife:

Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door

Wife: *nods* weird door

me: i’d like to buy a data storage system

assistant: hard drive

me: yes the freeway was gridlocked

[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R

Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!

My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.

ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons

Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…

If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party

My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.

I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.

“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up

Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?

Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.

Me: And?

*Meeting GF parents*

What are your intentions with our daughter?

Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me

Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit