Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.

You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.

Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.

Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”

H: It’s called a wine stopper.

Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”

Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”

“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”

Timmy: stupid?

“Exactly”

Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.

My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.

dryer: permanent press

me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.

I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.

From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,

I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?

If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.

Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?

Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?

I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.

Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option

[new tattoo]

them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque

[after 50 people have asked]

them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel

art teacher: is that a bird or a plane

young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*

Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.

On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.

zombie kid: why am i being punished

zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar

guy: man this water is warm

extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh

imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you

Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”

My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.

Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me

My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich

I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.

“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus

beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat