Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.

Well played, little dude. Well played.

If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.

My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met

If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.

*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*

Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this

I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.

Anyone know the second rule of fight club?

For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.

QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:

1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?

“What charities do you donate to?”

“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”

Me: I really can’t stay

Him: Baby it’s cold outside

Me: I’ve got to go away

Him: Baby it’s cold outside

Me: Just let me go!

Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?

Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.

There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.

Do y’all watch the results come or do you go to bed around now and wait to see what Democracy Claus left you in the morning?

Who’s ready for Friday?!

Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?

How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?

…. And they didn’t even like it.

Sure I have depression, but I live in Florida so at least it’s a tropical depression

I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.

Danger is very dangerous

As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”

There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.

MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.

[sitting at a table]

Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number

*thermostat negotiations*

now i lay me down to sleep
i pray the lord my soul to keep
and if i die before i wake
please hurl my phone into a lake

[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya

My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position

Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.

I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.