Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”

WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.

ME: “Your”

ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.

My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there

A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?

I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.

ME: *tells joke*

WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school

[later]

ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th

I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.

HER: Wow you look great.

ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.

when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?

I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”

Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.

“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*

Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.

Genius idea!!

I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.

My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead

My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.

[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]

Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.

ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop

[Inventor of the plow]

I’m gonna stab that field

Me: Screams into the void

Void: screams back

Me: Screams into void again

Void:

Me:

Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you

[middle of a heated argument]

Him: I’m leaving you

Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*

You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.

Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.

One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.

ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”

nurse: time of death

doctor: 4:19—

[i take one last breath]

doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot