Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.

Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job

Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days

Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts

me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date

[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love

[the next day]

coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*

me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*

My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.

Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”

But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”

And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”

I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.

7yo: What are these?

Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.

7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time

That’s as old as the hills

hills: (offended) Hey

According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.

Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.

Why did Adele cross the road?

To say hello from the other side

My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.

i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke

I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud

“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*

*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*

The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.

Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.

me: just tell me what to do

universe: *gives me a clear sign*

me: well that could be for anybody

my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.

Me: What’s your strongest weakness?

Candidate: …

*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up

M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!

GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up

Hello, my name is Pierre.

My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.

I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.

Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.

I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.

Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.