Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
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For those of you wondering why there’s no swim-up bar in the Olympic pool that swimmers can visit mid-race for a pina colada, it’s for financial reasons: given the cost of hiring bar staff and the 8-person limit in the pool, there’s just no way a bar would be financially viable.
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
live long and prosper!
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…