Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
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Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.
He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!