Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
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fedex driver: can i get a name?
sauron: i have many names
fedex driver: ok i just need one tho
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.