Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
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I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
A woman on tiktok joked her house was haunted and then was digging in her backyard to build a firepit and came across a rug buried 2.5 feet deep and was urged to call police who sent 2 cadaver dogs and they both signaled for a dead body and now half her yard’s a crime scene
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
*sewing*
A thread
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
A small tragedy.
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
This girl on FB said “Lunch with daddy” and it was an actual pic of her kids with their dad and I was expecting her with some old dude. Twitter broke me!
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
