Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
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Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
channeling her this year
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.
Boyfriend: isn’t this romantic watching the sunset?
Me: ugh, no. I’ve seen this one before
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.