Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
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What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti