Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: *starts the washer*

me, two minutes later: what’s that noise

Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry

My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s

Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?

Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.

After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn

If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂

thinking of starting a true crime podcast. gotta explain this search history somehow

How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?

Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”

Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub

absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.

I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts

My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”

never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them

How funny!

How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists

You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.

[in bed]

her: u have done this before, right?

me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey

her: what?

me: what?

HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected

I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.

A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.

[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home

I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.

I call it my trampoline stamp.

Spring of Deception

My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.

We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices

‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’

My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.

I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂

I decided not to go for a run today because of the weather but mostly because of the running.

The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it until you’re about to die and then eat an apple