ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
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Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
People keep asking me what my problem is and I think I figured it out, though it’s deep rooted and unsolvable — I just wish my name was in Mambo No. 5
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
anywhere a walkable city if u broke enough
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married