Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”

– Garfield of Dreams

[birthday party]

*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*

me: *dejectedly puts down fork*

You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.

I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.

Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”

guy cleaning a diner bathroom let me walk in but said “no poo poo” and I very seriously nodded and assured him “no poo poo”

Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”

Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel

That seems a conundrum…
🤔

Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!

Jabba: *speaks Huttese*

C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.

[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?

Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.

Friend- “You’re drunk.”

Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”

Friend- “Stop.”

Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”

JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*

it’s a van. how do they not know this

Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.

Me typing: univrsity

Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.

Me: Haha oops.

Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”

Me: Why would I say that?

Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.

I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.

He died doing what he loved.

He didn’t know she was married.

How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.

Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.

WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.

Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao

You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?

The most precious boy

Twitter: Ed Asner died

Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor

T: Betty White is trending

Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!

T: She’s fine

Me: Why would you do that?

Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet

Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?

A devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other and they’re both equally responsible for me failing my maneuverability test