Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
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F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
This rain has ruined my weekend plans. I shouldn’t have left them in the garden.
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
I’m taking my box of wine back and filing a complaint.
It said once opened it would last 6 weeks, but it was gone after 3 hrs.
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
Hermit crabs fact: They can be got rid of with a special shampoo but hermits are often too reclusive to visit the pharmacy.
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
My head is starting to get dented from hitting rock bottom so often.
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson