Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
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me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
If you see a lady in her bikini chasing her hot tub lid on highway 6, I’m not on drugs and you should mind your own business or help me.
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone