Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
You Might Also Like
thanksgiving should be called feaster
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …