Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
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So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
unfortunately thanks to anesthesia we’ll never know if internal organs can be ticklish
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
I like when the rain is misty and you get to feel like a grocery store broccoli for a little while.
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?