Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
You Might Also Like
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
COUPLE: “We’re trying for a baby”
OWNER OF HOOPLA STAND: “You know that’s just a doll, right?”
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
Those who do not remember the past are doomed to lose on Jeopardy.
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…