Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse

Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?

BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later

I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?

After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.

No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.

It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.

Kids… I meant my kids.

I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.

I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.

What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?

Payday

Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.

My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day

Me: I don’t think I belong

Therapist: Do you think you be short?

How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485

Dating over 40 is like Hide and Seek but no one is looking for you

Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.

I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.

A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast

If you want to avoid dementia, choose parents without it in their genealogy. Science shows everything is genetic. Especially intelligence

I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.

These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.

HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.

ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!

fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever

Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.

Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.

Me: *giving blood*

Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?

Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.

Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.

Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.

I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality