Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.

I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.

Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month

Me: ok I won’t.

[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]

Wife:

Me: starting now.

If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.

Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”

“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”

Him: Is this a sex thing?

Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.

Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok

[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either

I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.

Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”

ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter

Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph

[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]

Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex

i usually decompose after work rather than decompress

Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:

I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller

She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.

Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.

*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*

[childbirth]

me: are you ok?

wife: IT’S AGONY!

me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY

Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.

I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.

Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299

I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.

Press 1 for English
Press 2 For Spanish

Press 1 or 2 for Indian

Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”

bully: gimme ur sandwich

me [pulls knife]

bully: hey man I don’t want any-

me: -crusts. i know

I’m trying to shower you with affection. It doesn’t matter how I got into your bathroom.

Always

ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely

if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years

After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit

my friends: “im not a hater but-”

me: “dont worry i am”

Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof

Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad

Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching

Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi