Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
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For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
sleeping beauty
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
Digging my own grave bc I GOTTA DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
this 4 hour meeting could have just been someone pulling my finger nails off one by one with pliers.