Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂

Fruit ninja: [about to strike]

Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]

Fruit ninja: omg seriously

Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.

Date: I love car chase action scenes

Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here

[Justice League HQ]

SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight

MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes

I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..

Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.

ME: I’m taking it back.

WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.

ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?

I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.

They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”

If hiding things in the trash from my kids were an Olympic sport, I’d be a disgrace to my country.

ME: let me try a yo-yo trick

DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no

These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.

Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.

Me: Did you bring a poop bag in case the dog poops?
Bf: I brought 2 bags!
Me: Oh, good. I can take a poop then too.

I thought you all should know that there’s a guy who just does VR drunk driving all day

Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.

Are they honking at me because I’m cute or because I can’t drive?

How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.

Boss: hey are those expense reports done yet?

[Me, frantically minimizing a Wikipedia tab on RABIES displayed on a 34″ ultrawide curved monitor]: no

*I come home with an empty stroller*

WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?

ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle

WIFE:

ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK

Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!

Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.

Friend: How old is your kid?

Me: Kid?

If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.

Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.

Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.

What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.

College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.

[being murdered]

Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*

Me: *becomes even more alive*

Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.

“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350