Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
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Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
“Great, now I have to pee.”
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.