Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.

Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.

I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.

Plants are ALIVE, vegans.

You disgust me.

Me: I need to pee

Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh

ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God

“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.

Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*

Me: Nice work with picking a random password.

Wife: It’s our anniversary.

5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?

Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”

My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.

Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.

Child: I’m bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Child: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Child: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Child: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Child: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU

Me:

Mime:

Me: You don’t say!

RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name

My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the livingroom. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.

[Dr. Strange casting read]

Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ

Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?

Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt

[Pet store]

Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”

Me: “You can’t prove that.”

*My purse starts barking*

They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.

I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”

Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent

Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.

I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.

My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.

Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?

Me: Earth 😐

Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then

Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.

Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…

my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive

Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.

Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*

Vampire: Thank you.

So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.

I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?