Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
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Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
Everyone seems to be sharing this joke. Here it is from years ago in one of my old specials.
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Very funny that the new Batman movies are rated PG-13 but the Penguin HBO series isn’t so in context it just looks like everyone is too polite to curse around Batman
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.