Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
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When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
Never skip the footnotes – it’s here you find out who made the author angry enough to write the article.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip