Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?

me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me

All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.

sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.

me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months

My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.

I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.

Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?

Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.

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Weird how parrots and I tend to share the same opinions

Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.

me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos

The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.

My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.

[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry

I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.

Tip for twitter newbies:

Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.

Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.

me: a weirdo broke into my house

cop: are you positive it was a weirdo

me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me

[at train station]

Cashier: May I help you?

Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place

All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?

Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.

It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.

horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.

ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.

TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.

ASSISTANT: Like who?

TRUMP:

kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it

First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire

If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat

Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”

Doctor: “How often does this occur?”

Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”

DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party

Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy

Me: Yes I have!

Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*

Me: Yes, I do!

Wife: Do the laundry

Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon