Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
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My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
Crying is a sign of leakness.
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
Whoever’s been in charge of the weather for the last few weeks seems to have fallen asleep on the couch with the remote control underneath them.
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
I thought I liked the style of the clothes on Temu, but then when I got them I realized I just liked the perfectly tan skin and soft beach waves of the models, and those were missing from my order
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
Buc-ee’s is truly a monstrosity. A convenience store so large it becomes the most inconvenient shopping experience imaginable. Even the name defies convenience. Autocorrect almost begs you not to find one or speak of this Godless temple of man’s excess. 5 stars
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please