Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]

“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit

Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.

one thing they don’t tell you in driving school is that it’s ok to miss your exit and get off on the next one and loop back, instead of coming nearly to a full stop in the middle of the freeway or careening across multiple lanes of traffic quickly to try to make it

My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor

‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.

How can I say no to this ?

This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.

GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no

my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself

A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!

So I killed her.

Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.

when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late

if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain

I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo

Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything

you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.

Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.

Her: You accepted your flaws?

Me: No. I accepted your flaws.

me: come back to my place?

her: sure

me: it’s not haunted

her: what

me: no ghosts

My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.

Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.

Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!

Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!

Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket

Cop: is that an olive in there?

What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?

guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood

The big book of baby names but for safe words

When William Shakespeares first wrote the bible, he called the four horsemen of the apocalypse Smelt, Dealt, Denied & Supplied.

*puts words between two asterisks*

KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction

If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”

To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.