Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”

Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.

Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner

ADELE: hello from the outside

ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman

[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]

hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.

[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”

There are 2 kinds of people in this world;

1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math

Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.

“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”

Me:

Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.

Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.

Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.

spending money is too easy, for my bank account’s sake i need a bridge troll to ask me three riddles before i buy something

remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???

*chomping on a cookie*
Girl Scouts can’t run very fast

Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.

Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.

If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.

99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.

embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)

Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story

Doctor: So what brings you in today?

Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.

[Eating]

Waiter: How’s the meal?

Me: I dunno. Let me check

*pulls out phone

Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram

Waiter: …

Vacation Summary:

I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.

*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*

Map: I have a boyfriend

Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes

Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.

If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade

They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.