ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
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Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
Beauty and the Beast
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
Ovenable?
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah