Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

AI is that friend who is always there for you but gives terrible advice.

Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.

I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.

I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles

Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.

Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.

Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.

I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.

Me, adding fuel to the fire: I’m just here to help

[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time

“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”

It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.

I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car

Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?

Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.

How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.

“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life

BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.

DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.

LANA: Guys, can we play different game?

15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.

You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it

I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers

“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.

Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?

[doing crossword]

Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks

Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.

My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.

a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected

Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.

Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way

3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning

INTERNET IS DOWN

Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!

Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.