Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her

You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you

“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.

Sex so good your binoculars fog up.

Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.

A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?

Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.

Just had to take a urine sample to my GP and at reception they asked me “does the doctor know about this already”. No, no. I just brought a cup of my wee as a present. Please don’t spoil the surprise.

20’s: You can eat whatever you want.

30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.

40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.

I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?

when there are deer in the woods

my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.

A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.

Never skip the footnotes – it’s here you find out who made the author angry enough to write the article.

If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby

[at my funeral]

boss : you’re LATE

BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?

CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard

OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7

CEO: first of all, promoted

[literally every petting zoo]

Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?

Me: [shrugs] I guess

Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.

“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”

Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.

.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.

Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.

me: sacked? why?

boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name

me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]

Thank you cards only ever thank people for nice things they’ve actually done. This excludes people who don’t like doing things. We need cards that thank people for bad things they HAVEN’T done

The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.

The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.

Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.

Then we met.

The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for

I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely

It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.