Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want

[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”

Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly

Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber

me: hey your birthday is one day away

6yo: we just call that tomorrow

me:

The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.

Him: I’d take a bullet for you

Me: I’ll allow it.

[in bed]

gf: I thought we could experiment with toys

me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear

I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.

You can’t make this shit up 😩

(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)

Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣

A bunch of bras is called a support group.

Thanks for following.

guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here

I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.

I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.

[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player

Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.

If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.

I like chaos.

-turns on news-

Not like that

DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.

ME: I’m.

HER: Check please!

don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit

They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most

Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.

Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station

You can now get 100% accurate weather information direct to your smartphone. Simply open the camera app, take a picture of the sky then look at the image.

I like my coffee black just like my sabbath

Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.

Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.

Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:

Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.

kthanksbye