Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
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I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
☠️ ☠️
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
found this cool rock hiking today
SF is the wild wild west man
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.