Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*

waitress: are there any allergies at this table?

me, already drunk: POLLEN

them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:

ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally

ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows

i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit

Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.

I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”

Husband: Can you ever be serious?

Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.

ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that

BARBER: wow how much did you eat

[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”

I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.

“I’m a night owl”

All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.

interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired

me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood

When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.

there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial

My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”

I wouldn’t mind weight fluctuations if it weren’t for the Pants of it all

A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.

Dentist: “That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen. That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen.”

Patient: “I heard you the first time. You didn’t have to say it twice.”

Dentist: “I didn’t. That was my echo.”

You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?

Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.

Ouija doin?

-talkin to my ancestors

That 👊

I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.

Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.

You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.

Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.

I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.

There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.

Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.

Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?

Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.