Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?

Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?

Omg like wtf
-me, praying

My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.

So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.

Me: You should take a bath

Kid: You can’t make me!

Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens

Me: You can’t make me!

Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices

i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window

Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.

Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.

BOSS: why are you so late?

ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha

BOSS: well i was and i got here on time

psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed

Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,

I found my bagpipes for tonight.

[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.

No, of course I’m not mad.

It’s fine.

*goes home, starts building a Death Star.

[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”

That’s a stray gerbil.

“And those fish??”

…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM

You when you started twitter vs. you now.

I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.

Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.

The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.

I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?

Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.

OK…so naked running…

Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.

I wish I knew this an hour ago.

Oh, and send bail money.

nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude

Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?

Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar

Hank is one in a melon.

Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit

As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?

My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee

me: bye bye miss american pie

miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?

me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady

Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.