Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[torturing terrorist]

[plays EDM]

[beat rises]

[beat keeps rising]

[beat rises endlessly]

Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING

My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.

I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.

The horror. The apostrophe’s.

For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.

a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down

I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.

How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?

Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.

Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???

Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots

“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”

Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.

It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”

this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead

[God creating pufferfish]

How about a terrifying balloon

Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.

If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.

How to tell if your wife is mad at you

1. She is

STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.

I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.

A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.

I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado

sisyphus was lowkey stupid just pushing that boulder over and over again 🙄🙄🙄 anyway this is the 15th time i reset my password this year but i do not need to write it down because this time i will for SURE remember it

WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol

God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them

i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”

ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload

Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?

BLEACH I MIGHT BE

Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh

Bad: at 4 AM.