Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
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Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
At my last colonoscopy I had the doctor write a note to my wife stating that my head was NOT up there…
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*