Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.

[Hospital]

New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.

New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.

New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.

Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….

I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.

Women have all the answers to all your questions.

And you don’t even have to ask.

Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation

I live by one rule and only one rule. Anything can be turned into a casserole. And if you’re snobby about food, YOU can be turned into a casserole.

Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)

*putting 4 to bed*

Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?

4: no

Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow

4: no, I won’t do that

Me:

4:

Me: ok, good talk

4: no

I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.

I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life

8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion

reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery

me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes

if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia

How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.

I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.

me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first

Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!

police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo

Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos

I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.

Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.

Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.

I’ve shouted so much sporting advice from my sofa already this summer. It’s very tiring but hopefully it’s helping.

.. do you even science?

My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.

Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true

Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.

I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.

Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.

Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.