Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

crying at my desk while also finding time to cry in the shower makes for a healthy work-life balance

“Does this look infected?”

*points to the entire world*

Am I married? I got trapped in my jean jacket once and panicked cause I couldn’t take it off, what do you think?

[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?

I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.

My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.

Interviewer: So tell me more about yourself.

Me: *can’t remember a single thing I’ve done in my entire life, ever*

Shrek + Akira = Shakira???

I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool

If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get

Slide to the left, now slide to the right
criss cross, criss cross, cha cha real smooth

– the groceries in the back of my car

People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save

me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”

Forget first names. We should just name storms after specific people. If you told me “Jane Ellen Green” (my former trigonometry teacher in high school) was headed my way, I’d be terrified & take immediate cover

[on deathbed – calls for son]

“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”

Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.

All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.

Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”

*crunching sounds*

Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]

Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.

If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?

friend: wish you were here!

me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really

Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.

Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”

But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…

I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.

Guy on an electric bike asked if I was single and I told him I’m not really “into dating right now” and he said “that’s cool” and let me ride his very cool electric bike but when it was over he said “that’s what you’re missing” and scooted off into the distance

(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)

Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?

(walks out)

on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house

ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits

*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*