ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
You Might Also Like
they split up moments later
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
BREAKING NEWS ~ Janet on Facebook is having chicken salad for dinner tonight.
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.