Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as a billionaire]

Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero

INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?

*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.

I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.

Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.

Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me

This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.

Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me

Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-

Me: *glares*

Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.

ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.

The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy

Doctor said I need to eat more salad.

sure, why not

*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill

Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle

Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”

ME: [holding my breath]

MY BREATH: This is nice.

Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.

Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.

Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.

How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer

“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops

Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.

Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered

Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?

Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.

If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house

[10mins from now]

..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..

If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?

I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.

Telling my son he can’t stay home from school for no reason even though when I was his age I’d blow dry my forehead and tell my mom I had a fever.

“Tim’s coming tonight”

“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”

[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop

Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o