Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?

Her: Yes Your Honor!

Judge: When did you realize this?

Her: When his check bounced

Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs

Google: do you have any enemies?

My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.

Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.

Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”

ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?

Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween

-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31

9:30 in the morning, the woman behind me in line says to her toddler “No, I don’t think they have ice cream right now, nobody eats ice cream this early in the morning,” just as I turn around holding a giant cup of vanilla soft serve.

[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?

her: probably “ethereal,” it means-

me: mine is “shuttlecock.”

Me: Just call me loaded fries!

Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉

Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.

What does a Thesaurus eat for breakfast?

A synonym roll.

Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.

Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.

6 month old baby: ……..

Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.

moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*

me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse

extremely cute girl at chic fil a gave me 4 free food vouchers bc i “seemed cool” then told me she was off in 15 minutes and i just said “hell yea” and left

Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑

Boss: HR wants to see you

Me: What for?

Boss: Mandatory drug test

Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had

Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.

I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up

BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔

If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.

Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.

My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.

[7 minutes in heaven]

Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha

Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you

Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?

keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.

6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.

*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus

me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again

friend: so go back for seconds?

me: no probably longer than that

“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”

– inventor of the sauna