Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve seen:

•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo Dragons

But nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.

Where are you going?

“Ice fishing”

You know you can just buy ice at the store right?

“No I mean th…”

Or just freeze some water even…

I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.

People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.

Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.

wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”

Tonight my wife is making us watermelon mojitos and if you think you can’t find true love on the Internet well you’re wrong because that’s where she found the recipe.

Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.

Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.

other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut

The stickier the better.

-Rice, obviously

Saint Peter: Name

M: David

SP: You’re in

M: Even after that night in Nogales?!

SP *winks*

*takes a step*

*trap door opens*

SP: Sucka!

This seems like a really, really bad idea.

*jumps in with both feet*

*on first date*

Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?

I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.

One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.

Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare

ok this is getting ridiculous. it can’t just be the one guy. it’s gotta be a group of people pooping my son’s diaper

JESUS: I shall turn water to wine

JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle

JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal

My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.

Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…

Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.

“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”

“What kind are you using?”

“Grape”

I’m the guy that pushes on a pull door then leaves because I think the door is locked.

My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.

Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again

I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.

Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean

– me, as a gynecologist

SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD

There is a football player named Drew Sample?

He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.

I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore